Breaking up IS hard to do

What is so hard about breakups? You decide to be with someone for a while, decide that it's not worth salvaging and then break up. What is hard about it? Life goes on- you move on. Nope, not that simple. The whole closure issue is an issue among itself. Who initiates it? Who's going to be the first to crack and open the lines of communication. No one wants to look weak and say, "I want to work on it" when part of you is thinking, what if they say "it's not worth it." It's tedious and emotional and complicated and annoying. I was with him for 3 1/2 years, for God's sake we lived together for a year and I still can't get up the nerve to just call him. I can email him kinda fine without thinking about it 20 times, and texting is like, I probably shouldn't but maybe I can get away with saying it was an accident but I know it's intentional but maybe he'll respond with something funny instead of "what?" I feel like I said all I've need to say by email but facing him is terrifying and it shouldn't be. I've seen him at his most vulnerable, things he'd never let his friends see, but I can't call him. I think part of it is because he broke my heart and I'm still aching. I'm shaking right now thinking about it.

It's hard to envision yourself growing old with someone when your relationship fizzles after only a couple of years and then you're left to pick up the pieces. Everyone said we'd never work out after the first breakup, then the second, and now it's the third (I don't count the breakups in between that either only lasted a few hours or a day)- I think I need to open my ears better. Part of me is thinking that I should just get over it and move on because everyone else expects me to do. But whether you're breaking up for the first time or the third time, it really doesn't get any easier. I'm still left thinking what I did wrong or what he did wrong or was it something I said or what I didn't say. I'm an over analyzer, which is a quality about myself I despise but I'm left to deal.

It's hard when there's that one person you tell everything to, whether it's something funny you read or saw or thought. There are things I told him that I wouldn't dream of telling my regular friends just cuz they thought I'd be crazy for telling them something so stupid, but I told him everything. I told him what color underwear I was wearing that day to make him smile and think of me wearing it. I told him I heard a song on the radio that made me think of him. If I was up earlier than him, I'd warn him about the weather- "it's cold out, wear a long sleeve shirt today." I told him I was just thinking about him and that I missed him, even sometimes right after I had seen him. It's hard to break that habit overnight. Sometimes now, well not right this second, but since the breakup I'll reach for my phone to text him something funny and then remember that we aren't together and not really speaking and I get really sad.

I know that there is a life out there for me without him, and possibly someone else. I'm not ready for that someone else yet, but I guess I should start getting ready for the world with just me.

"You can't be the other half of someone else if you can't complete yourself."- Lynne Flaherty, best friend and guru.


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Ok, so far I'm not fulfilling the funny part of my blog. But it's also late at night when I feel most depressed. I'll post better shit later. I found some funny posts from the past few years on my myspace blog and livejournal that I'll archive on this bitch.